~Happy Birthday Dad~

Happy birthday dad.

Can you believe it, another year of watching me grow, watching me get lost, be scared and confused. You seem so far away at times, I reach out to grab you, hoping I can hear you and hold you one more time.  I feel you grab for me too, your presence guiding me.  Dad, when you watch me what do you think?  I think that’s the hardest part for me, knowing you are watching me but not able to speak.  I can feel you but your mouth is locked.  I spent time trying to find the key to hear you talk.  Now I have the key to unlock your mouth and I will carry this key everywhere with me trying it on different doors looking for your voice.  I picture you behind each of those doors I unlock, feeling your smile glancing at me walking through letting me know I am OK.

You are my faith, my reason for pushing on.  I cant help but count your birthdays you have missed. It doesn’t help me heal it helps me feel hurt.  I like the hurt and the pain some days. I have been this hurt before and it helps me to see you and think of you. When I do well in life I feel sorrow, I wish you were here to celebrate.  When I get lost in life I look for your arms to reach out for me to help show me what now!

I feel you but  I want to see you, want to hear your thoughts about my growing pains. I don’t need your impression on my life, but I would like it.  I want to hear you say you are proud of me. Words I know you would say but now I will never be able to hear.  Will I crave the impossible until I am also gone?  I hope so.

I choose to love you and miss you because you still have a unique way of making me feel special all these years later.  At times I may think I don’t belong here, living. At times I thought I was wasting time crying over you, missing you and not moving on.  I thought I was a misfit, looking for pity in myself about how this could have happened to me, why me?  Why did you pass?

Now I look and still cant believe I made it this far down the line, this far in life.  I am still shocked I can face the day without you or mom next to me.  Those conversations you and I had, me sitting next to you in your truck just talking.  I didn’t think those day to day moments would define me but they do. I didn’t know just watching you drink coffee would stick in my head and now everytime I drink coffee with out a lid I think “I’m pulling a dad, drinking with no lid.”

Today on your birthday I choose to not miss you.  Today I will not waste my energy worrying about our time that has come and gone and what will be missed. I will not let my tears keep rolling on, today I will celebrate the memories and gifts that you gave me.  Today I realize that every moment I had with you weather it was watching a movie or just chatting was you giving me a foundation to be who I am now. You showed me the ability to be more than I ever thought of for myself in life and in your passing. When I thought I was a failure and would be broken for life you helped me find my breathe to move forward. I will never stop trying to make you proud, I will keep searching for that lock in my head that is your voice. I picture you watching me, grinning at how much your passing has inspired me to live and now inspire others to live.  Did you ever wonder how you would be remembered after life?

You’re gone and I had no choice in that so I will make you here. I choose to keep you from leaving my mind, my dreams  and my hopes.  I thank you dad for giving me the need in my life, giving me everything I need to survive even after I thought surviving was impossible. I thank you day for standing beside me in my life during all the years we shared together on earth and all the years we shared apart.

Happy birthday dad.

Today I am thankful for you in my life and tomorrow I will repeat today.

~Happy reading

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