Manners Just in Public?

Since my earlier post here about “Why Manners Matter,” I’ve had a couple of  questions that relate to each other.

One was from a mother who was interested in having her youngster enroll in one of my classes.  She said, “I want him to know how to act in public.  I don’t care how he acts around us at home, but I want him to have good manners in front of other people.”  Her comment has stayed with me since, as I want good manners to be in practice day in and day out, at home and away. 

The thing is, the people closest to you warrant as much consideration, if not more, as they are part of your daily life.  We all know how sour the atmosphere can become when there is friction in the family, especially when you share your living space.  

As manners guru Letitia Baldridge has noted in her “New Manners for New Times,” “If it takes a great deal of work and resolve to keep that set of relationships warm and smooth, so what?  What is of greater importance?”  Manners help this.

She adds, “Every single occupant of a house should share the load of support, responsibility, encouragement and fulfillment of certain duties.  Above all each occupant must learn sensitivity toward every other member of the family.  The cement holding this complex set of relationships together is simply good manners and thinking about someone other than oneself all the time.”

So, to answer the first question, “Good manners are of essence to a family and not just for “public.” They are important all the time.

The second question was from a dad who wants his child to have good manners both at home and away but, he calls himself a “refrigerator person” who wants to post a list on their refrigerator of a couple of dozen manners or rules I would suggest that children observe.  Here’s a list I came up with for children and adults, supplemented by other ideas I totally agree with from Sue Fox’s great book, “Etiquette for Dummies” to post on your refrigerator to help keep manners reminders in front of everyone!

• Always say “please” and “thank you.”
• Be responsible for your words and actions.
• Be kind to yourself and others.
• Be willing to share.
• Be a good listener.
• Think before you speak.
• Leave things nicer than the way you found them.
• Respect others privacy.
• Treat others property with respect.
• Learn proper table manners and use them.
• Pick up after yourself, no matter where you are.
• Agree to disagree courteously.
• Practice patience.
• Be polite when answering the phone.
• Keep your room tidy.
• Don’t leave dirty dishes (or dirty anything!) for others to clean up.
• Assist with family chores.
• Turn off the television (and cell phones) at mealtime and when company is present.
• Speak, but don’t shout.
• Don’t open a closed door without knocking.
• Don’t eavesdrop, snoop or read others’ mail.
• Don’t take others’ belongings without asking.
• Leave the toilet seat down!

  In the coming weeks, I’ll continue to take a more detailed look at specific manners and why they are important in everyday life.  I’ll share my experiences as an etiquette instructor.  And, I’ll answer your questions as to what manners are appropriate in a given situation.  You are welcome to send me questions.  (If you prefer to remain anonymous, let me know.)  I invite you to submit your comments and questions to me at Catherine@manhattanmanners.com.

Catherine Arcure is a manners instructor based in Southampton and Manhattan. Through her two firms, Manhattan Manners and The Protocol Professional, she offers formal classes as well as one-on-one coaching. Most recently, she has been working with the Bridgehampton Schools on a project to make manners part of the basic curriculum.  She has been certified as an instructor for both children and adults by The American School of Protocol.